My entire personality in a nutshell

Thought of the day

"Such holidays in the sun don't come without sacrifices 
You know it makes more sense"

- Funeral For A Friend

Left to, the sight of the sky.

I am not a person who can accept the middle ground. It's either black or white, all or nothing, live or die. But you have been forcing me to do so for four years. FOUR YEARS. I don't think I can take it anymore. I am a patient person but this is ridiculous even for me. I don't like pretending because it makes me look like a faker, and I'm not. All my friendships are genuine and sincere. I never approach people because of their status, nor their looks, nor their money -- I like them solely for their company. I never ask for favours unless I'm forced to, and I always repay their kindness in any way possible.

So to me being polite and seemingly friendly to someone my heart can't take (not because of their personality or actions, but the circumstances that they are involved in), is a slow death for me. I rather not be friends at all; if I have to be faker. I rather avoid and be distant than having to put up the hassle of calculating my actions and manufacturing non-existent feelings/enthusiasm.

And the worst thing about my friendship with you, is that I'm always expecting something in return. I keep pushing the limits, to see how far down you'll be in my debt. And what I want is something I'll never get. And I hate it. This is not who I am.

Maybe I should end this limbo, this dysfunctional relationship. But I can't. Because deep down I still appreciate the genuine part of this friendship -- your company. I still want to have funny conversations and the comfortable proximity together.

I guess I still don't know what I want.

End of Ramadhan

I'm noticing a trend here. Ramadhan is always the month that transports us into this... this parallel dimension where conflict is low and bitter relationships are temporarily mended. Then the first of Syawal arrives, and BAM! -- everything snaps back to normal. Aka right back to the situation before Ramadhan.

I'm sure it has something to do with syaitan being chained up during Ramadhan and not being able to manipulate our egos. Sad to say, today is the day they get back to business.

Me and my ego are reunited once again, thanks a lot man.

Journey to the centre of your heart

There's was a line from a Faith Hill's song that went:

"I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road"

which basically tells me that I'm a hopeless case and that I should just slap a big 'I'M LAME' label on my back for the rest of my life.

Heck, I've not only gone 2000 miles; I've been running on a half-empty petrol tank, in the middle of Arizona, without a telephone, and zero food supplies. It's like I'm doing it on purpose ("which you are, you fucking weakling" -- a critical voice behind my mind is saying) and that I'm not expecting to find my destination, I'm driving just to see how far down I can get before I reach the dead end.

Should I expect a miracle? Something that will make me take a detour from this hopeless journey?

Flaws

I don't mind being childish

I don't mind being stubborn and unmoving

You know, our life depends only on ourselves. I’m still convinced about this

But I've also learned to accept that people... don’t all become as strong

And it has made me kinder than before.

Bear with it

One day it's gonna be a distant memory and I can easily laugh it off as 'my stupid years', but to unlock the secret (happy) ending I must first overcome the tormenting lower levels.

I wonder how long will I be able to take it until I end up completely emotionless? 

Done

Enough with all these false facades and forced politeness. I'm through. This means war.

Calypso

You know, I don't like you but for once we're on the same page.

I predict an apocalyse on winter break.

Come one, come all. Into 1984.

2+3=2.2010

Priorities, priorities. Sakit perut memikirkannya.

You

Sometimes I realize the stigma of blogging.

It encourages stalking behaviour. I get sick to my stomach whenever it crosses my mind. I mean, I'm torn -- I like writing, I like sharing my thoughts -- but at the same time, I hate the feeling that anyone can just be reading this.

Are you reading this now?? You, who is everyone else in this world who is not me. What's in your thoughts now?

Obviously you don't read something and go -- "oh, I have no opinion on this". I'm sure something is running across your head, either a positive thought, or negative thought. Do you loathe me, or find me narcisstic? Do you think this layout is painful to load every time?

I don't ever want to know.

Opinionated

There's one thing I hate about the human mentality, and that is people believe only what they want to believe. No matter how you try to convince them otherwise, they would just turn a deaf ear and a blind eye, and would be content to live in their world of self-delusion.

I guess part of the reason is because we are all sore losers, and hate to admit we're wrong.

The internet has coloured me uninterested.

With Every Heartbeat - Acoustic Cover

So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back
Just a little, little bit better


(Original song by Robyn)

RIP my highschool memories

I still can't get over the fact that my old high-school blog is gone forever. Deleted from this cyber-space. All the effort and time spent into it, lost just like that! Argh.

What's the point of writing something when you know that it's not permanent??? This is seriously making me paranoid. So one day (maybe like 20 years in the future), when a webhost decides to just shut down and kill off thousands of accounts -- means that whatever we wrote or scripted or programmed in those last years are for nothing? Nada, zilch?

So much with the internet promising security. Just like other technology, everything will go bust within 2-4 years.

Like this, malas la nak update Blogger. One day all my emotional pourings and memories will be deleted by cyberspace, kan? Just like a blink of an eye.

BABI LAAAAAA all the pictures, songs, html coding, fanarts and artworks, layouts, diary entries, links, EFFORT AND TIME................. 7 years 7 years sakitnya haaaaaaati

(Yes, I'm a very sentimental person. I like to keep memories, no matter if it was bad or good. I collect things and never throw them away because if everything's gone, then what's the proof of its existence?)




Oh wait. What's the point of writing here anyways? It'll be gone in a matter of years *rollseyesacarsm*

Selfish

How come some people are so selfish that they don't even recognize the efforts of other people? Self-absorbed, self-centered, selfish, heartless. Like a parasite clinging onto someone else, taking and taking but never giving.

Freakish

Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.

The only thing I know is awkward silence.

Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.

Conflict

So I got into a fight with my mom about the interview. Apparently I couldn't go because I had no time to do my portfolio and no time to waste time -- I have to submit my working drawings to the office the same day. I submitted them at 5pm -- too late to go there or do anything.

She was questioning why did I have to go through so much effort just to get a leave and come back to Kl for the interview and everything, and then suddenly just blew it off last minute. I know she was just defending my own rights, but when you're working in a company and you are doing 1/6th of the project, and they can't submit without my drawings -- in which the deadline is today -- what do you do?

1. Become selfish and abandon everything for the sake of your own personal interest?

2. Or miss out an opportunity because you're busy sacrificing yourself for other people?

Anyways, both sucks. I can't pick one or the other. So I'll just be an idiot and not sleep tonight and finish my work and go back early morning by plane instead of bus because I don't have a leave tommorow.

Here's what my mom said to me: grow a spine.
Is that true?

Untitled

Living life inside a dream
Time is changing everything
Forgetting all the memories
and I'm forcing them into you
just cause you're into me.

Well hey, hey baby
It's never too late
When I'm gone you won't remember a thing

But I can't stay and no, I won't wait
I was gone from the very first day.

I'm not sorry at all.

Decoy

You've never been so used
As I'm using you
Abusing you
My little decoy

Don't look so blue
You should've seen right through
I'm using you
My little decoy

I'm not sorry at all

Whiny drama queens get on my nerves

When your sole existence is measured by the worth of your significant other, don't you think that's kind of sad?

Well, everyone to their own.